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Do you ever wish you were a monkey? Then if you got mad at someone, you could just fling your poo at them. Problem solved.
I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
If I throw a stick will you leave?
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days..
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to "calm down" when they`re already pissed off.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!
Why do pickup truck commercials think it`s very important that I`m able to tow a plane?
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.
Hoping to get "till death do us part" reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.