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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you’re supposed to be doing something else.
Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping…..Ha, try online dating
I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves
I`ve been catfishing my best friend for the last 3 weeks. He`s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I`m showing these emails to his wife.
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) I`m not motivated enough B) You would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.