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Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
If there`s one thing that I`ve learned it`s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
It’s getting harder and harder to find vodka-flavored vodka.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.