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If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
If Freud was alive today he would probably be awesome at telling "Yo Momma" jokes.
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
I hate when the weather man says there is a chance of sprinkles in the forecast...makes me want donuts!!
I own a shop selling `CLOSED` signs. We haven`t had a single customer today.
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
You had me at 0 mutual friends
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..