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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone`s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
Still haven`t answered my life`s calling... I`ve always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.
We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I could hardly get my suitcase shut.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
The worst part of quitting drinking is how few excuses you have for your behavior
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
"User Friendly" is just another way of saying stupid.......