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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
I don`t quite get women who have like 15 bridesmaids. I don`t even like 15 people altogether in my life.
Don`t let the propeller hat fool you... I have no idea how to fly this plane.
Whenever I get a message that begins with “Hey Stranger” I know I’m about to be asked for a favor by someone I don’t want to help.
Don`t play dumb with me. That`s a game you can`t win.
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
Cookies and porn are always better when they`re homemade!
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.