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I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
Hmmmm, thats odd. . . .According to this height / weight chart. . . . I`m too short.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
Why is maple syrup so expensive?.. It grows on trees doesn`t it?
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
Sometimes I find myself envious of how well Waldo can hide..
I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.
As I get older, I`ve learned to relax and not stress over trivial matters. Just kidding, I`m drunk.
If your conspiracy theory doesn`t involve cats and dogs, don`t bother me.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches