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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"
I would watch tennis more often if they replaced the ball boys with untrained golden retrievers.
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
I stopped going to AA because all of their stories were about how they hit rock bottom by waking up next to me.
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
If you pour two beers into one glass, it becomes just one beer.
Be good ... or I will text Santa
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Lies I`ll never stop telling: 1. I`d never put you in a home, mom. 2. It`s 6 inches long. 3. I have no idea how the PC got a virus.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll
U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. how many fish do you have?? stop counting smart one fish can`t drown