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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
Not sure if this Adderall is working but I just made a pros and cons list about pros and cons lists.
Keep calm and drink on.
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We`ll both regret it soon enough.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
Football: 22 people on the field desperately in need of rest and 75,000 in the stands desperately in need of exercise.
The real fountain of youth is to have a dirty mind and a naughty smile.