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I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
It’s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
Helped my kid pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I`m trying to do that & you`re lowering my chances.
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
Laugh now but at the rate they are reproducing, the people of Walmart may one day take over the world.