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It`s not so much that I wanted to drink the whole bottle of wine, I just couldn`t figure out how to get the cork back in it.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
Have you ever wondered what a job application at Hooters is like? Maybe they just give you a bra and say, “here, fill this out”.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
I love updating my Facebook status while crossing the stre
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 8 times,......Your probably a woman.