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Between Criminal Minds, CSI, Law and Order, Castle, and Monk...I am now fairly confident I can get away with pretty much anything.
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
I just made you think of an elephant
My wife asked me if I knew her favorite flower was. Apparently "Gold Medal All Purpose" was not the correct response
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
If all the worlds a stage and the men and women merely players, how come Justin Bieber gets all the airtime?
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
My date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
I`ll be there in a second I just gotta finish writing this letter of apology to a club owner for tearing up his dance floor last night..
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.