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You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
At least men and women agree on one thing, they both don’t trust women.
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
In terms of procrastination, I`ve had a very productive day.
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
Nothing is impossible.. Never Give Up.. I know a guy that once actually guessed correctly why his girlfriend was mad at him.. :|
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.
Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"