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All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents to Avoid
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
You can tell a lot about someone by whether they read HP as horsepower or hit points.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they don`t laugh either.
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?
You know you`re getting old when Happy Hour is a nap.