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Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
Single ? I`m not single, I`m in a long standin relationship with fun and freedom ! ;)
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon.
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
To avoid being eaten by Zombies go to "settings", "public", and uncheck the box that says "Facebook users taste like chicken"
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. :)
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.