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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
I`d rather have my arms fall off than make two trips carrying in groceries.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you`re like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you`re from Alabama)
Although no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
I hope this snowstorm doesn`t impact my schedule of aimlessly wasting my day online.....
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
Everyday I fall in love with you more and more. Except yesturday, yesturday you were pretty f*cking annoying.
If all the world´s a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.