Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an “All the stuff you can microwave” aisle.
"You know, I wish I`d never gone to the pool that day." ~Marco Polo
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
During a test..people look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.