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Relax,,, We`re all crazy.. It`s not a competition.
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
I wish common sense was more common.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
Note to self: don’t set your password reminder as “you should know this”
A computer losing its internet access is the equivalent of a car running out of gas, both become useless.
I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over B*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.
Dear Cashier: Stop giving me attitude and acting like your job is so complicated and stressful. Self-Checkout has proven that you are really unnecessary.
i just peed so hard that I laughed a little bit
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.