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Honesty is the best policy, unless you`re trying to return something that you`ve already worn.
Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I`m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
A woman that doesn`t ask for nothing deserves everything
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
Setting an alarm is how we ruin days that haven`t even started yet.
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?