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"Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Parts of my body are turning 50 Shades of Gray
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
pharmacy was out of my BP meds...so i bought a baseball bat instead..that works much faster
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
I don`t get my neighbor. tells me to make my self at home but then gets pissed off when they come into the kitchen and I`m in my underwear making a sandwich.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.