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They should create an app that makes your cellphone go “ahhhhhhhh” when you plug it in.
You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
Her (from the living room): What time is it out there? Me (in the kitchen): Same time as it is in there.
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
My dream job would be the Karma delivery service.
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets
So, All my exes live in Texas; Exactly, how does one go about scheduling a tornado ?