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I run entirely on caffeine and inappropriate thoughts.
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
When are they going to drug test the audience of "The Price Is Right."? No one is that happy
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with my car.
I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.