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First fart at my new job.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
Shouldn’t the Air and Space museum be empty?
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
The best part of winter coming is that all the bugs are rotting in hell where they belong.
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`
Snails would be terrifying if they moved quickly.