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I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
Pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law
2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
I`d say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
you know you have a kid personality when you think step brothers is the greatest movie ever.
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
for every like, I will fart on my wife face
I bet the women who only post about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.