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Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", has obviously never been to a nude beach
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what`s inside.
The wrong time to have a seizure is probably during a Harlem Shake Video.
My safe word is "Make sure we don`t go over the hour. That`s all the cash I got on me."
When you buy Halloween candy to hand out as an adult, it`s like you are paying for all the free candy you got when you were a kid.
Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons. Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphics.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session
Ugh, I forgot to go to the gym today. That`s 9 years in a row now...