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I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
You`d think the nerds on The Big Bang could fix that stupid elevator.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when I’m awake.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.