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I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
The original creator of the phrase “common sense” surely didn’t know many people.
Did you know , that if you use asterisk , you can do anything you want ? * gets on a t-rex and gallops away into the sunset *
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.