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Me, watching the Olympics: "That was impressive." Announcer: "ANOTHER DISASTROUS MISTAKE!"
Three decades of playing Tetris have apparently not improved our nation`s ability to stow overhead luggage.
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
I`ve done it in the bathroom, I`ve done it in the bedroom, I`ve done it in the kitchen, on the couch, outside, in the bus, yoo I just can`t seem to stop this texting.:)
The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I`ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.