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I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
Shout out to good looking women who date unattractive men who aren`t rich, thanks for keeping hope alive.
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.