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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
It`s a beautiful day, think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
If at first you don`t succeed then maybe you just suck.
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I wish that some of my coworkers were not allowed in the break room because those are the people I need a break from.
They said money can`t by happiness. But it can buy tattoos, car parts, and beer. What else could we need?