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Texting "Good Morning, Beautiful" will change a girl`s whole day. If you time it right, it will do the same for her boyfriend.
Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
You don’t realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby or a dog...
If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?
With great power comes great electricity bill.
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
Just once I would like to see a liars pants actually catch on fire
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
Things ain`t nobody got time for: That
Step 1 Change your wifi password to blowmefirst. Step 2 Wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.