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Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Don`t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex`s name tattooed.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
I wish my life had background music so I could figure out what the hell is going on.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick.....Till you`re standing outside watching your house burn.
You might call it lazy ... I call it selective participation.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
love a girl with a trimmed bush because it makes it easier to see into her window at night.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.