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For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
Laziness: the habit of resting before you get tired.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do. Happy Fathers Day!