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My support group can outdrink your support group.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
Guys that try to pick up girls on facebook are pathetic. Girls if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.