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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
Don`t act like your not impressed.
If by "help decorate the tree" you mean drinking beer on the couch yelling out everything you`re doing wrong, then yeah, count me in.
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
They always say "love makes the world go around"... They spelled beer wrong.
When ever I think about the past...It brings back so many memories
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.
I can`t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment