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Don`t judge if you don`t know me. Unless you`re making my pizza & you say "This guy looks like he wants extra cheese" then please do..
I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
My new plan is to ignore my problems until they become hilarious stories.
if money grew of trees, girls would be dating monkeys
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
Every morning I swallow a piece of paper that says "Keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case I die and the doctors have to do an autopsy on me
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.