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I feel ready to face the world as a responsible adult now that I`ve taken today`s gummy vitamins.
You guys ever trip out on the fact that Indian people eat Indian food for breakfast?
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
I hope all your dreams come true, especially that one where you`re being chased by a giant spider.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
I don`t burn bridges. I just loosen the bolts a little bit each day.
Can I have your number or do you just want the 8 dollars for the drink?
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg and some days you`re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
So today my gym was crowded...at least I think it was a gym...Do gyms usually have drive thrus?