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I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
I`m afraid to hug fat girls....what if they`re hungry?
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
B!tches be trippin ... OK, maybe I pushed one.
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.