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The realization you`ve spoken too loudly when you exclaimed: " My Salad had NUTS!"
I`ll tell you what a woman wants. She wants you to drag her to the bedroom, toss her down, and do the dishes and laundry while she takes a nap.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
My lucks so bad if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying.
I`ve found the most effective way to get an attractive guy to fall for me is by simply using my charm... and then a stun gun.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was ugly, I`d be broke as hell because I`m a sexy beast!!
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
Did we try giving the government a snickers?
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn`t murdered her