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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
Which wine goes best with more wine?
We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...
My body needs a refresh button.