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Partying on my level requires years of training.
That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
Adding "just sayin" to a smart-a$$ed comment makes you even more of an a$$hole. Just sayin
You can correct people`s grammar or you can have friends. But you can`t do both.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
Every new day means new opportunities... to make mistakes and f*ck things up.
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”