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According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with `Go away.`
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to? Me : I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
Million dollar idea: Alarm clock that releases spiders... NOW you`re up.
Hell is an endless cycle of getting comfortable in bed & then suddenly having to pee.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
You don`t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
Therapy has taught me that it is all your fault.
Today is national I don`t feel like doing sh!t today. Celebrate accordingly.
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.
My life is loosely based on a true story.
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.