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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
the dude who posted ”MERRY CHRISTMAS“ has still got his head shoved up the turkeys A$$ it seems...
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
Told my kids next time I take their electronics away I`d also be responding to all texts they receive. They`ve been well behaved since.
Momma left strict instructions to knock you out.
When I die, I want people to say, "That guy owed me a lot of money"
Do crabs think we walk sideways?
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch