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Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
Is it "I febreezed my crotch" or "I febroze my crotch"?
It`s a little known made up fact of mine that 40% of the air inside a Taco Bell is just farts.
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and thats were I sleep...
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
Describe yourself in 3 words". "Not good at following instructions"
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis