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I put mirrors on the ceiling because I like to see how I look when I`m eating pizza alone.
I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
You will never be happier than a girl who just discovered her dress has pockets.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out?
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
As I was signing into my email account instead of yahoo.com I typed hayoo.com...nope, it wasn`t right but I got to thinking it would be quite appropriate, afterall, we`re trying to get someone`s attention, right?
I once shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
Actually, when I went to New Orleans, I blacked out too.
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D