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Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
Look at the keyboard. It has `U` and `I` together. Look underneath that. It says `JK`.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
Every day can be palm Sunday if you`re a single guy
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
I`m a responsible person. People are always saying "I know you`re responsible for this."
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
When I`m older, I`m going to buy one of those Volkswagen Bugs. Only because I have a excuse to hit my wife every time we go somewhere.
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional