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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
When one door closes and another one opens, your house is probably haunted.....
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
Marriage counselling: Because sometimes your wife needs to hear from a professional that she`s being a bitch.
Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
When I have a yard sale I play the theme song to Sanford & Son with a boombox on my porch.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
Laughing is the best medicine. But if you’re laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance