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I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
Safe words are for quitters.
If you piss off a girl, just play dead. That sh!t works with bears and they`re just as dangerous as angry women.
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
When you turn 21, you can legally do all the things you`ve been doing since you were 15.
I`m reaching the point where I really hope it`s not possible to be annoyed to death.
When girls flash its called, "girls gone wild" when men flash its call ... "America`s most wanted"
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
Garage sales are the gateway drug to Walmart.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)