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My next relationship will be with someone who thinks "Wine" is a perfectly acceptable answer when he asks what`s for dinner.
Gift cards: The best way to say "Here, you figure it out..."
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`.... I`ll turn around and look.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
I get as much action as a white crayon.
I don`t use my cell phone in the car... I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.
I AM doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around.
I`m 84% less productive in a swivel chair.
I`m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that`s how weather works.
NASA has confirmed that December 21, late afternoon, the sky will be very dark. It is an interesting phenomenon called "night".
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.