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Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
Wishing you a fabulous 2014 that is full of great achievements and experiences. A meaningful chapter waiting to be written HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
A dog running a hundred miles to retrieve a stick? That`s pretty far-fetched.
Not having any friends means I`m always the pretty one.
If you say "cash money" around me, Don`t act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
A bachelor party is a lot more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
Never squat with your spurs on
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That`s like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
After watching the "Schticky" ad, I am convinced now there are 8 wonders of the world.
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!