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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it`s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
"I`m only having one" ...said by many, practiced by none.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(
My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"