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If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
Immature is a word boring people use to describe fun people.
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
We all have that friend who acts innocent but understands all the dirty jokes.
I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
This guy told me that playing the voilin is the best way to calm you down. I bet he never tried smashing it over someone`s head.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my p@nis is.
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.