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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
You don`t have to like me, I`m not a Facebook status.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
Three weeks without a signal typo!
I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I`m here to `like` them.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling as I butter a donut
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
Do you think people will start blaming auto correct for there marriages breaking down?