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I didn`t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Anyone who believes that children are our future has not been to a mall recently.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
if its got tits you will get nothing but trouble !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
Does Starbucks have an express lane if your order is 10 words or less?
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of sh!t going on?
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.