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I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then have the nerve to ask me why I`m not wearing pants.
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
Have some fun: goto the local bar. Play every Justin Beaber song and leave.
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot them?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
Flies are everywhere, unfortunately the second I grab the fly swatter, they turn into ninjas.
We always say that our elders are wise, because of their years of experience. But you know what? ... Stupid people get old too.
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"