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I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
You know it`s good advice, when your still confused afterwards.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
why me is me ?
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Keep it up and I`ll make sure u end up on a milk carton.