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Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
There`s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Don`t believe everything you think.
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
All of my plans for the future start out with “when I get rich”