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“I don’t watch tv” proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
Finally figured out what women want...SECURITY!!!......(At least that`s what they all yell when I try to talk to them...)
Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
my 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Amazing how many people just stroll into tattoo parlors and say “Give me the dumbest thing you can think of.”
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
LOQ "Laugh Out Quietly" because LOL is giving me a headache
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
I just heard "Eye of the Tiger" and now I`m motivated to conquer the world. Or at least get out of my pajamas.
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.